Man! I ain't a part of your SYSTEM. This doesn't relate to what I wanted to write about but it's stuck in my head.
I'm upset. And I've been really happy lately and it's making me upset that I'm upset.
But it's a necessary thing. I've slowly been inching toward this point for about a week or so now and it all just kind of built up and hit me tonight.
I've been reading a lot of blogs lately about happiness (it's kinda lame, I know) and I've basically trying to suppress every bad/sad/lonely feeling for a while now, trying to pretend they don't exist, and it's becoming clear to me that you can't just live your life pretending that everything's perfect. When I do that, I end up living my life passively and I never DO anything to change. When I pretend that there's nothing I can do to make my life any better than it is, I basically stop living. It's okay to be upset because then you realize you can actually try to do something to improve yourself, and change what you don't like.
Even though lately I've been telling myself everything's fine and perfect and that I've changed so much from last year and things are going so much better for me now, it only serves to distract me from the fact that I still need to learn things. I've changed a lot, but that doesn't mean the changing process is complete, because it never is. Usually, I just reach a point where things are comfortable, and I start going into safe-mode where if anything comes along that might screw up my comfortable life, I reject it. Either that, or I just become so passive because I would rather not blame myself for screwing things up. At least if something happens TO me, I can't say it was my mistake that screwed up my life.
But that's stupid. And I always live life like that. I don't know what I'm so afraid of. Because even if things get a little screwed up, chances are it won't be anything so terrible that I'll never recover from it. I need to start acting on what I want. It's as simple as this: if I don't start doing whatever I want to do, I'm not going to get what I want out of life.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
I love being home.
What could be better than going out for sushi with the parents I hardly ever see anymore, and then coming back home, watching a few episodes of 30 Rock and accidentally end up having a 3 1/2 hour talk about life with my mom? Nothing. If I ever doubted in my entire life that I have the best parents I could possibly ask for, I for sure know it now.
It's nights like these that make me not want to leave tomorrow. But I miss everyone in Madison too, and I suppose I have to go to school as well...
Talking to my parents gives me so much more perspective, and it's so amazing that every time I have a talk like this with them, I learn so much more about them than I ever knew before. It makes them seem like real people, because sometimes I forget that they actually had lives before I was born. Which sounds so selfish, but it makes sense, right? Most of the time when you think about your parents, you think of those people who are just supposed to take care of you and be there when you need them. But the more I talk to them, the less I think about them that way, and the more I see them as just two more of my best friends. They make me feel so lucky to have them in my life.
I just felt the need to write about it. I don't often express my deep appreciation for their presence in my life. So there it is. :)
It's nights like these that make me not want to leave tomorrow. But I miss everyone in Madison too, and I suppose I have to go to school as well...
Talking to my parents gives me so much more perspective, and it's so amazing that every time I have a talk like this with them, I learn so much more about them than I ever knew before. It makes them seem like real people, because sometimes I forget that they actually had lives before I was born. Which sounds so selfish, but it makes sense, right? Most of the time when you think about your parents, you think of those people who are just supposed to take care of you and be there when you need them. But the more I talk to them, the less I think about them that way, and the more I see them as just two more of my best friends. They make me feel so lucky to have them in my life.
I just felt the need to write about it. I don't often express my deep appreciation for their presence in my life. So there it is. :)
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Goin' Public
My first public blog post! This is quite a big deal for me, as I never post anything publicly anymore. I remember back in the days of xanga, when this was something that was normal for me. Even though people look back on the days of xanga and laugh, I kind of like the idea better than facebook. Because people would share their thoughts, and it wouldn't be quite as limited as the brief pieces of thought that people spew all over facsbook posts and stuff. Even though xanga was just a bunch of emo middle schoolers that would just ramble. But now I'm just a lame college student that rambles. Though I'd like to think I've become much more interesting than I was in middle school.
Or at least I seriously hope so.
I wish I could remember my xanga name to see if it still exists. But I think I deleted it, which was probably a smart decision. I was an idiot in middle school. And I was in love with a gay guy for the majority of it too, so I probably just complained about that. In my defense, I didn't know he was gay until high school.
I always look back on myself in middle school or high school and I'm glad I've changed so much since then, because I never liked who I was back then. But hanging out with a friend from home for the past couple of days and reminiscing about back then has made me realize how glad I am that I went through those awkward and terrible phases of my life. There's so much one can learn from being an awkward child.
Like eventually, you learn that shyness is kind of narcissistic. Because not as many people are paying attention to the little things about you that you always notice and think are embarrassing. But even so, shyness is a tough thing to change about oneself. I like to think that now, I'm more just introverted than shy. There's a difference. I'm still pretty shy though. I'm working on it.
I've also slowly learned to be less socially awkward. Still working on that one too.
Oh, childhood...I would not repeat you if someone paid me. But I'm glad it happened.
I still feel like a child in some ways. Especially when I think about how much I have yet to learn and experience. I'm only 19.
This is a really random digression, but what if the world ended tomorrow? And I'm only 19 years old, with so much I'll never know about being an adult? This odd train of thought is brought to you by a friend's friend, who told him the world was supposed to end on Saturday because of the moon being closer to the sun than it's been in 20 years. It's complete bullshit of course, but if you think about the turbulent nature of current events lately, it's not hard to imagine, is it?
I would be spending my last day on earth on a bus for 5 hours. But at least I would have spent the last week with my family.
This is a morbid topic. But if you think about it from a different angle, the end of the world isn't all that terrifying. It's only because we're afraid of what happens when we're not here anymore. Or afraid of death. Which are both weird things to be afraid of. If the world ends, we're all in it together. I don't know why I'm talking about this.
This is why I'm afraid of blogs or twitters or facebook statuses...there's nothing interesting to say and it gives me a lot of anxiety for no reason. But I'll get the hang of this, and I will try to make it less ramble-y and boring.
And maybe stay true to the title of the blog. Make my life a little more interesting by just getting into shenanigans. Sounds like fun.
Or at least I seriously hope so.
I wish I could remember my xanga name to see if it still exists. But I think I deleted it, which was probably a smart decision. I was an idiot in middle school. And I was in love with a gay guy for the majority of it too, so I probably just complained about that. In my defense, I didn't know he was gay until high school.
I always look back on myself in middle school or high school and I'm glad I've changed so much since then, because I never liked who I was back then. But hanging out with a friend from home for the past couple of days and reminiscing about back then has made me realize how glad I am that I went through those awkward and terrible phases of my life. There's so much one can learn from being an awkward child.
Like eventually, you learn that shyness is kind of narcissistic. Because not as many people are paying attention to the little things about you that you always notice and think are embarrassing. But even so, shyness is a tough thing to change about oneself. I like to think that now, I'm more just introverted than shy. There's a difference. I'm still pretty shy though. I'm working on it.
I've also slowly learned to be less socially awkward. Still working on that one too.
Oh, childhood...I would not repeat you if someone paid me. But I'm glad it happened.
I still feel like a child in some ways. Especially when I think about how much I have yet to learn and experience. I'm only 19.
This is a really random digression, but what if the world ended tomorrow? And I'm only 19 years old, with so much I'll never know about being an adult? This odd train of thought is brought to you by a friend's friend, who told him the world was supposed to end on Saturday because of the moon being closer to the sun than it's been in 20 years. It's complete bullshit of course, but if you think about the turbulent nature of current events lately, it's not hard to imagine, is it?
I would be spending my last day on earth on a bus for 5 hours. But at least I would have spent the last week with my family.
This is a morbid topic. But if you think about it from a different angle, the end of the world isn't all that terrifying. It's only because we're afraid of what happens when we're not here anymore. Or afraid of death. Which are both weird things to be afraid of. If the world ends, we're all in it together. I don't know why I'm talking about this.
This is why I'm afraid of blogs or twitters or facebook statuses...there's nothing interesting to say and it gives me a lot of anxiety for no reason. But I'll get the hang of this, and I will try to make it less ramble-y and boring.
And maybe stay true to the title of the blog. Make my life a little more interesting by just getting into shenanigans. Sounds like fun.
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