Man! I ain't a part of your SYSTEM. This doesn't relate to what I wanted to write about but it's stuck in my head.
I'm upset. And I've been really happy lately and it's making me upset that I'm upset.
But it's a necessary thing. I've slowly been inching toward this point for about a week or so now and it all just kind of built up and hit me tonight.
I've been reading a lot of blogs lately about happiness (it's kinda lame, I know) and I've basically trying to suppress every bad/sad/lonely feeling for a while now, trying to pretend they don't exist, and it's becoming clear to me that you can't just live your life pretending that everything's perfect. When I do that, I end up living my life passively and I never DO anything to change. When I pretend that there's nothing I can do to make my life any better than it is, I basically stop living. It's okay to be upset because then you realize you can actually try to do something to improve yourself, and change what you don't like.
Even though lately I've been telling myself everything's fine and perfect and that I've changed so much from last year and things are going so much better for me now, it only serves to distract me from the fact that I still need to learn things. I've changed a lot, but that doesn't mean the changing process is complete, because it never is. Usually, I just reach a point where things are comfortable, and I start going into safe-mode where if anything comes along that might screw up my comfortable life, I reject it. Either that, or I just become so passive because I would rather not blame myself for screwing things up. At least if something happens TO me, I can't say it was my mistake that screwed up my life.
But that's stupid. And I always live life like that. I don't know what I'm so afraid of. Because even if things get a little screwed up, chances are it won't be anything so terrible that I'll never recover from it. I need to start acting on what I want. It's as simple as this: if I don't start doing whatever I want to do, I'm not going to get what I want out of life.
yeah, and it's not easy. it's important not to be too hard on yourself. i know that when i need to change things in my life, sometimes things slowly shift and then i'm different after a while, and then i realize that i no longer feel the way my actions convey. if that makes sense.
ReplyDeleteand don't worry, i read positivity blogs all the time, and have post-its all over my room with thoughtful reminder quotes that tell me to be a better person or realize that i have what it takes or something.
it's also not a bad thing to love what you have already, and realize your life is good. but just because you love what you have and your life is good, doesn't mean you shouldn't continue to strive more.